Movies:Underworld: Intelligent Design
(Redirected from Movies:Underworld: Evolution)
Underworld: Evolution breaks new boundaries in film. Regrettably, the boundaries are not those of artistic merit. An opportunity for that was squandered at the 43 minute mark, when our hero, Kate Beckinsale
is clothed only in a blanket. Briefly, I hoped that the Vampires would attack before she had a chance to put on her skin-tight latex combat suit. The ensuing combat would surely have been iconic, symbolizing how we are naked in the world, struggling to stay alive. Alas, no.
No, the broken boundaries are those set down by Newton, Maxwell, and Bernoulli. Or, at least their modern incarnations: Lucas, Spielberg, and Wachowski. Now, you might think that it is pretty ridiculous to criticize a piece of long-chain polymer polysaccharide carbohydrate like Underworld: Evolution for disobeying physics, but you did not see the ineptly shot sex scene 40 minutes in. If you can't get two body physics right --especially with such nice bodies-- what chance do you have with wolf-bat-helicopter-machinegun mayhem, I ask you?
You see, movie physics is about believability.
- Spielberg's Law: Unless acted upon by an unbelievable force, an object will maintain a constant believability.
Once you establish something unbelievable, like say, the existence of a 3 foot tall alien with a glowing finger who has nothing better to do than visit us, it is vitally important that you shelter the unbelievable alien from unbelievable forces. You do this by surrounding the alien carefully with believable plot. I mean, it is OK for strange things to happen, say a spontaneous flight of bicycle, but under no circumstance should the alien sprout bat-wings, and fly backwards in front of a speeding truck in slow motion. Otherwise, your audience might decide the alien was intelligently designed by your art department.
- Lucas's Law: Every unbelievable action requires an equal and opposite Force of plot.
Suppose your long lost twin sister is on the run from your secret father, and you happen to buy her droids from a monastic trash haulers union. Not remotely believable. So there better be some incredibly important Force of plot to justify this staggering coincidence. Now, since the entire premise of your 6 films rests on this Force of Plot you better be careful how you use it. Otherwise, you might use up the tiny amounts of believability which remain.
Take 'Ultraviolet bullets' as an example. These liquid-filled glass canisters contain distilled sunlight, and are projected by explosives from the barrel of a gun. They serve a very important role, creating, and heightening jeopardy, so the audience is willing to overlook the fact that they are completely unbelievable. But, when you proceed to use them against an eight foot tall ancient were-wolf --even though they won't do anything-- because they will 'slow him down.' The audience begins to think that maybe what is slow here is the main character. And maybe, just maybe the bullets were not worth believing in in the first place. Don't get me started about flying green sword-fighting puppets.
- Wachowski's law: For every unbelievable result, there is a sequence of believable actions, beginning with a freeze frame ending with that result.
Suppose that you want your main character to dodge six bullets fired at close range. It is easy: you baby the audience. You chop the hard-to-digest action into small bite sized pieces. You freeze frame. Say: "Open wide" and then feed them one piece at a time.
What you don't do is chop up something almost believable, a helicopter crashing into a cave, and replace it with a sequence of unbelievable actions, showing it in slow motion giving your audience lots of time to wonder about the tensile strength of helicopter blades how powerful those explosive throwing stars must have been to blow up the roof of the cave are those chains really strong enough to hold that helicopter what kind of frictionless gearbox allows those blades to keep spinning I wonder how long we are going to have to wait until someone is thrown into those blades why did that rock explode how did this helicopter fit into this confined space I wonder if they will run out of ammo yuck that looks bloody -- it took at least 5 minutes.
Normally, a would give a D to a film like this; A film which taught me that we are wasting our time with doors, and windows are a more convenient way to enter and leave rooms. But, taking Ms. Beckinsale into account, I'll change that to a B.